By Terry Price
(A LESSON ON PRAYER)
(Enter Rev Ron, Deacon Beacon, Mr. & Deacon Lincoln and their wives)
Rev Ron Hello, everyone, my name is Reverend Ron Righteous and I hope
you’ll be with me when I preach on a comparison between Noah’s
Ark and the Ark of the Covenant. I brought with me my church
members so you could meet them. I pastor a church called “The
Righteous Babblist Church.” It was named after my great-great-
grandfather, Rob T. Righteous.
Dec Beac (Talking to Deacon Lincoln) I wonder where the name “Babblist”
Dec Linc I don’t know, I’ve always been afraid to ask!
Rev Ron What are you two babbling about?
Dec Beac & Dec Linc Never mind!
Rev Ron As I was saying, we’re also having a young lady sing a song
Dec Beac I’ll come for that!
Dec Linc Me, too!
Rev Ron O.K., you guys! You need to come to hear God’s Word!
Dec Beac (Somewhat disappointed) Aaah, yeah, that too!
Dec Linc Reverend Ron, we’ve been practicing with musical instruments
for the last three months with a song that we would like to play
the next time you preach.
Rev Ron O.K., can you give us a sample of it?
Dec Linc O.K., Reverend Ron! Everybody, let’s go get our instruments!
(Everyone leaves except Rev Ron and come back with kazoos)
(They play “Amazing Grace” all out of sync and after a few
bars, Rev Ron stops them)
Rev Ron Whoa! That was terrible, you all are playing like a bunch of clowns!
Maybe I should give you all clown outfits and have you teach in
Dec Beac If you think that was bad, you should’ve heard us two months ago!
Rev Ron No, thank you! (Turns to audience) As I was saying, I hope to see
you then, and I promise you there won’t be any kazoo playing,
(Turns to his members) Right guys?
Members (Grudgingly) Oh, all-right!
Rev Ron Children, don’t forget to bring your parents! Good bye, till then!
PUPPETS AND VOICES NEEDED
One Older man: Reverend Ron Righteous
Two men: Mr. Beacon and Mr. Lincoln
Two women: Mrs. Beacon and Mrs. Lincoln
Two boys: Rocky and Rusty (Full body puppets are best)
One girl (or young woman): Crystal
One cannibal (Nose bone and shark tooth necklace recommended)
Voice of God (non-puppet)
At least two off stage singers (non-puppet)
Baton or drum stick
Puppet size Lectern or pulpit
Pieces of paper for “Sermon notes”
Slide whistle for elevator effect
2 to 4 small flashlights
Sound of two pennies being placed in offering plate
Lightning bolt made from foam board and paint stick
Sound of lightning
Bible verse: II Timothy 2:15
Bible verse: Psalms 66:18
(Enter Rocky and Rusty)
Rocky Hello, everyone and welcome to “Preacher’s Nightmare.”
Rusty This play is so funny, you’re gonna laugh your guts out!
Rocky Do you mean vomit?
Rusty Well, yeah, something like that. (Looks at audience) I guess
you’ll have to watch and find out for yourselves.
Rocky (As both exit) Vomit? I can’t believe you said that, Rusty!
(Enter Rev Ron, Dec Lincoln, Dec Beacon and their wives)
Rev Ron (Looks at audience) Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I’m
Reverend Ron Righteous and this is our church.
Dec Beac Excuse me Rev. Ron. I’d like to say something, before we get started!
Did you know that it’s because of your preachin’ that I started readin’
my Bible regularly?
Rev Ron Why thank you, Deacon Beacon, you really are a true beacon of a
Deacon in our church!
Dec Beac But, I don’t think you understand! I have to read my Bible because
it’s the only way I can learn anything around here!
Rev Ron (Looks at audience embarrassed, then turns to the puppets) O.K.,
Deacons, I mean choir, let’s start by sinning "Amazing Grace"
(Others laugh) I mean singing it!
Dec Linc Rev Ron, isn’t that the song we sing every Sunday?
Rev Ron Why, yes, Deacon Lincoln. Why do you ask?
Dec Linc (Reluctantly) It’s just that it’s…a…O.K., we’ll sing it!
everyone sings one verse of the song, Deacon Beacon “falls over
dead,” then Rev Ron sees him and begins to panic.)
Rev Ron Is there a puppet doctor, in the church, someone who knows how to
sew real good? (Decon Beacon gets up and they notice, except Rev
Ron) What’s the number to 911? (Rev Ron looks back at Deacon
Beacon, who pretends to be dead again) Is he alright? (Others
shake their heads) What do we do? (Rev Ron looks at the others
while they pretend that he is dead) Oh, no! Deacon Beacon ain’t
blinkin’!...He was such a good Deacon and choir member! (Sobbing,
he looks towards the audience) Well, it looks like I have only three
members now. (He looks back and finds Deacon Beacon acting like
nothing happened to him and the other puppets start laughing.)
O.K., you guys, that’s enough clowning around. (Looks at audience)
See what I have to put up with? (Looks at puppets) All-right, let’s
take up our offering. (An offering plate is passed around and both
Deacons put in a penny) Why is it that you two always, for the last
ten years, have put in only two pennies?
Dea Linc Well, we’ve been giving you your two cents worth all these years!
Dea Beac There was that one time I found a quarter in the parking lot and I put
it in the plate!
Rev Ron That was about four years ago, wasn’t it? How do you expect us to
pay the light bill with this kind of money? (Lights go out and they
quickly find flashlights and point them at themselves) Isn’t there a
generator around here somewhere?
Dea Beac We have one that was bought when this church was built!
Dea Linc This church is over a hundred years old!
Dea Beac Well, it’s all we got!
Rev Ron O.K., let’s see if we can get it to work!
Dea Beac (Deacon Beacon goes off stage and “starts it up.” Lights flash with
a loud bang and lights come on.) Ohhh, ouch!
Mrs Linc (Looks backstage) I think I can fix him back, if I get a needle and
Rev Ron I think that we should take a short break. Where are those boys?
Oh, they’re coming in right now, we’ll be right back! (All exit)
Rocky (Rocky and Rusty enter) Hey, Rusty, I got a joke for ya!
Rusty It’s nothin’ ‘bout Deacon Lincoln’s guts, is it?
Rocky No, no! (Looks backstage) It looks like they’re puttin’ his guts back
In! Did you hear what the backslidden preacher sang after he bought a
real expensive car?
Rusty No, what?
Rocky (Singing) “When Jesus is my Porsche, a constant friend is He…”
(Rusty laughs so much that he almost falls back behind the stage)
Hey, Rusty, I’m gonna try out that old elevator over there. (Rocky
moves to side of to stage to the “elevator”)
Rusty You’re gonna get in trouble! You know what Rev. Ron said about
playin’ in that elevator!
Rocky I’m just gonna do it this one time to see what’s down there.
Rusty I wouldn’t do that if I were you! What if you get…?
Rocky (Ignoring Rusty) What does “LL 100” stand for? I guess I’ll find out!
(Rocky starts going down) (Use slide whistle for elevator sound,
going down then back up) (Rusty shakes his head as he watches
Rocky go down and up) (As Rocky comes up, the devil comes up
behind him) Whew, That was a long ride and it was getting pretty hot
Rusty Ahhh, Rocky, who’s that behind you?
Rocky (Rocky turns to look) It’s the devil, he must’ve rode up with me!
Rusty (The Devil starts to run away) Quick, catch him, he’s gettin’ away!
(The boys run off stage, chasing the devil)
(Rev Ron and members enter)
Rev Ron Today, I’m going to teach about the Ark… Let’s see… here’s my notes.
Mrs Linc You know, sometimes I feel like the Devil’s in this church… (The
Devil appears running on and off stage being chased by the boys)
and look …there he is!
Rev Ron (Notes get scattered from the excitement) Oops! I told those boys
not to go down that elevator! I sure hope they catch him...! I seem to
have gotten the Sunday School lesson mixed up with my sermon!
(Shuffles papers around) O.K., here we go! A long time ago, people
were doing very bad things and only Noah and his family were found
to be the only ones righteous… (Members start snoring to “Jesus Loves
Me”) O.K., I guess, that if you can’t beat them, then join them! (Rev Ron
Gets out a baton and directs the “music.” After they finish the
Chorus, Rev Ron interrupts) O.K., O.K., everyone wake up, now! (They
wake up) You guys sing better when you snore!... As I was saying,
after Noah built his ark, God told him to get into it with the animals.
Many days later, the ark rested on… (He drops some of his notes and
Picks them back up) Mt. Sinai, if I ah…, remember right, anyway,
The a… the ark was discovered by Moses, I think, and he went to put
the Ten Commandments into it. (Members start coughing and
Sneezing to the tune of “Amazing Grace”) O.K., maybe we should
take another break and get some water or something, it appears that I
need to get my sermon together!
VERSE II Timothy 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a
worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word
of truth.” (NKJV)
Dea Beac (Looking at Deacon Lincoln as they all exit) At least we got him to
stop making a fool of himself!
Rev Ron (From off stage) I heard that!
(Rocky and Rusty enter)
Rocky That little Devil, he got away from us!
Rusty He should still be around here somewhere, maybe we can catch him
Rocky Rusty, what kind of church is this anyway?
Rusty I heard them say it was a Babblist church!
Rocky Do you mean “Baptist Church?”
Rusty Nah, with all the babblin’ that they’ve been doin’, it has to be a
Rocky That’s a first!
Rusty No, actually, the First Babblist Church is just a few blocks from here!
(Rocky laughs so hard that he falls) Oh, oh, there goes Rocky!
(Looks down behind stage) Eeewww… I better take care of Rocky!
(All church members enter)
Dea Linc (Rev Ron is sleeping and Deacon Lincoln wakes him up) Rev Ron,
…Rev Ron,…Wake up! Wake up!
Rev Ron What? What? Oh! You wouldn’t believe the nightmare I just had! I
dreamed that Deacon Beacon pretended that he died, you got shocked,
and everyone started snoring to “Jesus Loves Me” and…
Mrs Linc And we saw the devil in our church!
Rev Ron (Startled) How did you know that?
Mrs Beac You were only asleep for a minute!
Rev Ron (Nervously) You mean that it all really did happen?
Dea Beac And your sermon stunk!
Rev Ron Well, with everything that happened, maybe I’ll go to the mission
field. I think I’d rather take my chances with cannibals, than with
Voices (Sing from “Hallelujah Chorus”) “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, and He
Shall Reign forever and ever…”
Rev Ron (Looking up to the sky) O.K., O.K., I can take a hint! Where did I
Voice You forgot to pray! (Rev Ron looks startled)
VERSE Psalms 66:18, “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not
Rev Ron (In regret) Oh, Boy! Lord, please forgive me! (Looking at his
members) Look, if I’m such a bad preacher, may lightning strike
me! (A bolt of lightning strikes him, he goes down and the
members start laughing)
Dea Beac Serves you right, Rev Ron! And if we’re such bad members, may
lightning strike us! (Others look at him in shock and begin to
run off stage when lightning strikes them)
Rev Ron (Rises) Ha! Ha! This is one time I’m glad you guys stole my
thunder! Oh,… ouch!
Cannibal (Enters) Hey, Rev! I hear you want to become our missionary! We
want you for our…I mean, to come to our dinner! We even have a
big “hot tub” waiting for you! (Cannibal escorts him off stage)
(Rusty and Rocky enter)
Rusty Rocky, it looks like they got baptized with lightning!... You know I
was just thinkin’, if Reverend Ron’s church is 100 years old, it must
be as old as the dinosaurs!
Rocky I think that the dinosaurs died off way before then! Hey, Rusty! Did
you know that some of the dinosaurs are mentioned in the Bible?
Rusty Oh, yeah? Which ones?
Rocky A couple of them’re the Behemoth and the Leviathan. And what we
call dinosaurs, the Bible calls ‘em dragons. Do you know what they
call spotted dinosaurs?
Rusty I don’t know, what are spotted dinosaurs called?
Rocky An I-think-he-saurus! (Rusty falls over laughing and Rusty looks
at audience) Well, I think he just laughed his guts out. We’ll be
right back after we fix up Rusty. In the mean time we’ll have
Crystal sing “Nothing Can Compare to Eternity .” (Rocky exits and
Crystal enters, singing the song “Nothing Can Compare to
Eternity” then Exits) (Church members enter)
Mrs Beac Well, I think that Reverend Ron took off to be a missionary, so I
guess that leaves you, (Points to Deacon Beacon) the eldest deacon,
to be the preacher, now! (Deacon Beacon looks startled then runs
Dea Linc So, I guess that leaves just the three of us! (Both ladies look at him)
Now, don’t get any ideas about me! I better check on Deacon Beacon,
Bye! (Deacon Lincoln quickly exits)
Mrs Beac Well, it looks like we just had a church split! Do you think that one
of us could be the preacher, or maybe we could join the children’s
church with Rocky and Rusty?
Mrs Linc Nah! Let’s go check on our husbands! (Both exit)
(Rusty and Rocky enter)
Rocky Wow, I never saw a church split like that before! Hey, Rusty, I’ve
got one more dinosaur joke! What do they call dinosaurs that clean
themselves and use deodorant?
Rusty A spot-less dinosaur?
Rocky (Laughing) No, they call them “ex-stink!” (Rusty falls backward
while laughing and exits) Here we go again! (Rocky starts to
laugh and exits while falling backwards)
(The Devil reappears and Crystal “backhands” him sending him
back down the elevator) (Use slide whistle for descending)
Rev Ron (Runs on stage followed by Cannibal) Oh, no, you’re not! You’re
not going to eat me!
Crystal (Backhands Cannibal knocking him down the elevator) (Use
whistle for descending) Well, that finally took care of him! I
will now sing my song, (Use whatever song you like here)
(Crystal sings the song.) Remember to always pray before you
start anything, because there’s no telling what could happen if you
don’t! Good bye, everyone! See ya later! (Crystal exits)