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PREACHER’S NIGHTMARE

By Terry Price

 

PROMO

FOR

PREACHER’S

NIGHTMARE

(A LESSON ON PRAYER)

 

(Enter Rev Ron, Deacon Beacon, Mr. & Deacon Lincoln and their wives)

Rev Ron     Hello, everyone, my name is Reverend Ron Righteous and I hope

                 you’ll be with me when I preach on a comparison between Noah’s

                 Ark and the Ark of the Covenant.  I brought with me my church

                 members so you could meet them.  I pastor a church called “The

                  Righteous Babblist Church.”  It was named after my great-great-

                 grandfather, Rob T. Righteous.

Dec Beac    (Talking to Deacon Lincoln) I wonder where the name “Babblist”

                 comes from?

Dec Linc     I don’t know, I’ve always been afraid to ask!

Rev Ron     What are you two babbling about?

Dec Beac & Dec Linc     Never mind!     

Rev Ron     As I was saying, we’re also having a young lady sing a song

               for us.

Dec Beac    I’ll come for that!

Dec Linc    Me, too!

Rev Ron     O.K., you guys!  You need to come to hear God’s Word!

Dec Beac    (Somewhat disappointed) Aaah, yeah, that too!

Dec Linc     Reverend Ron, we’ve been practicing with musical instruments

                 for the last three months with a song that we would like to play

                 the next time you preach.

Rev Ron     O.K., can you give us a sample of it?

Dec Linc     O.K., Reverend Ron!  Everybody, let’s go get our instruments!

                 (Everyone leaves except Rev Ron and come back with kazoos)

                 (They play “Amazing Grace” all out of sync and after a few

                  bars, Rev Ron stops them)

Rev Ron      Whoa!  That was terrible, you all are playing like a bunch of clowns! 

                   Maybe I should give you all clown outfits and have you teach in

                   children’s church!

Dec Beac      If you think that was bad, you should’ve heard us two months ago!

Rev Ron      No, thank you!  (Turns to audience)  As I was saying, I hope to see

                   you then, and I promise you there won’t be any kazoo playing,

                   (Turns to his members)  Right guys?

Members     (Grudgingly) Oh, all-right!

Rev Ron      Children, don’t forget to bring your parents!  Good bye, till then!

                   (All exit)

 

 

PUPPETS AND VOICES NEEDED

One Older man: Reverend Ron Righteous

Two men: Mr. Beacon and Mr. Lincoln

Two women: Mrs. Beacon and Mrs. Lincoln

Two boys: Rocky and Rusty (Full body puppets are best)

One girl (or young woman): Crystal

One devil

One cannibal (Nose bone and shark tooth necklace recommended)

Voice of God (non-puppet)

At least two off stage singers (non-puppet)

 

PROPS NEEDED

Baton or drum stick

Puppet size Lectern or pulpit

Pieces of paper for “Sermon notes”

Slide whistle for elevator effect

2 to 4 small flashlights

Sound of two pennies being placed in offering plate

Lightning bolt made from foam board and paint stick

Sound of lightning

Bible verse: II Timothy 2:15

Bible verse: Psalms 66:18

 

(Enter Rocky and Rusty)

Rocky         Hello, everyone and welcome to “Preacher’s Nightmare.”

Rusty          This play is so funny, you’re gonna laugh your guts out!  

Rocky         Do you mean vomit?

Rusty         Well, yeah, something like that.  (Looks at audience)  I guess

                  you’ll have to watch and find out for yourselves.                 

Rocky         (As both exit) Vomit?   I can’t believe you said that, Rusty!

                 (Enter Rev Ron, Dec Lincoln, Dec Beacon and their wives)

Rev Ron     (Looks at audience)   Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I’m

                 Reverend Ron Righteous and this is our church.             

Dec Beac    Excuse me Rev. Ron. I’d like to say something, before we get started!

                 Did you know that it’s because of your preachin’ that I started readin’

                 my Bible regularly?

Rev Ron     Why thank you, Deacon Beacon, you really are a true beacon of a  

                 Deacon in our church!

Dec Beac    But, I don’t think you understand!  I have to read my Bible because

                 it’s the only way I can learn anything around here!

Rev Ron     (Looks at audience embarrassed, then turns to the puppets) O.K.,

                 Deacons, I mean choir, let’s start by sinning  "Amazing Grace"

                 (Others laugh)  I mean singing it!

Dec Linc     Rev Ron, isn’t that the song we sing every Sunday?

Rev Ron     Why, yes, Deacon Lincoln.  Why do you ask?

Dec Linc     (Reluctantly) It’s just that it’s…a…O.K., we’ll sing it!

                 everyone sings one verse of the song, Deacon Beacon “falls over  

                 dead,” then Rev Ron sees him and begins to panic.)

Rev Ron     Is there a puppet doctor, in the church, someone who knows how to

                 sew real good?  (Decon Beacon gets up and they notice, except Rev

                  Ron)  What’s the number to 911?  (Rev Ron looks back at Deacon

                 Beacon, who pretends to be dead again)  Is he alright?  (Others

                 shake their heads)  What do we do?  (Rev Ron looks at the others

                 while they pretend that he is dead)  Oh, no!  Deacon Beacon ain’t

                 blinkin’!...He was such a good Deacon and choir member!  (Sobbing,

                 he looks towards the audience)  Well, it looks like I have only three

                 members now.  (He looks back and finds Deacon Beacon acting like

                 nothing happened to him and the other puppets start laughing.) 

                 O.K., you guys, that’s enough clowning around.  (Looks at audience) 

                 See what I have to put up with?  (Looks at puppets)  All-right, let’s

                 take up our offering.  (An offering plate is passed around and both

                 Deacons put in a penny) Why is it that you two always, for the last

                 ten years, have put in only two pennies?

Dea Linc    Well, we’ve been giving you your two cents worth all these years!

Dea Beac    There was that one time I found a quarter in the parking lot and I put

                 it in the plate!

Rev Ron     That was about four years ago, wasn’t it?  How do you expect us to

                 pay the light bill with this kind of money?  (Lights go out and they

                 quickly find flashlights and point them at themselves)  Isn’t there a

                 generator around here somewhere?

Dea Beac    We have one that was bought when this church was built!

Dea Linc    This church is over a hundred years old!

Dea Beac    Well, it’s all we got!

Rev Ron    O.K., let’s see if we can get it to work!

Dea Beac   (Deacon Beacon goes off stage and “starts it up.”  Lights flash with

                a loud bang and lights come on.) Ohhh, ouch!

Mrs Linc   (Looks backstage) I think I can fix him back, if I get a needle and

                thread!

Rev Ron    I think that we should take a short break.  Where are those boys?

                 Oh, they’re coming in right now, we’ll be right back!  (All exit)

Rocky       (Rocky and Rusty enter) Hey, Rusty, I got a joke for ya!

Rusty        It’s nothin’ ‘bout Deacon Lincoln’s guts, is it?

Rocky       No, no!  (Looks backstage)  It looks like they’re puttin’ his guts back

                In!  Did you hear what the backslidden preacher sang after he bought a

                 real expensive car?

Rusty        No, what?

Rocky       (Singing) “When Jesus is my Porsche, a constant friend is He…” 

                (Rusty laughs so much that he almost falls back behind the stage) 

                Hey, Rusty, I’m gonna try out that old elevator over there.  (Rocky  

                moves to side of to stage to the “elevator”)

Rusty        You’re gonna get in trouble!  You know what Rev. Ron said about

                playin’ in that elevator!

Rocky       I’m just gonna do it this one time to see what’s down there.

Rusty        I wouldn’t do that if I were you!  What if you get…?

Rocky        (Ignoring Rusty) What does “LL 100” stand for?  I guess I’ll find out!

                 (Rocky starts going down)  (Use slide whistle for elevator sound,

                 going down then back up)  (Rusty shakes his head as he watches

                 Rocky go down and up) (As Rocky comes up, the devil comes up

                behind him)  Whew,  That was a long ride and it was getting pretty hot

                down there!

Rusty        Ahhh, Rocky, who’s that behind you?

Rocky        (Rocky turns to look) It’s the devil, he must’ve rode up with me!

Rusty        (The Devil starts to run away) Quick, catch him, he’s gettin’ away!

                (The boys run off stage, chasing the devil)     

              (Rev Ron and members enter)

Rev Ron    Today, I’m going to teach about the Ark… Let’s see… here’s my notes.          

Mrs Linc   You know, sometimes I feel like the Devil’s in this church… (The

                Devil appears running on and off stage being chased by the boys)

                and look …there he is!

Rev Ron     (Notes get scattered from the excitement) Oops!  I told those boys

                not to go down that elevator!  I sure hope they catch him...!  I seem to

                have gotten the Sunday School lesson mixed up with my sermon!  

                (Shuffles papers around)  O.K., here we go!  A long time ago, people

                were doing very bad things and only Noah and his family were found 

                to be the only ones righteous… (Members start snoring to “Jesus Loves

                Me”) O.K., I guess, that if you can’t beat them, then join them!  (Rev Ron  

                Gets out a baton and directs the “music.”  After they finish the

                Chorus, Rev Ron interrupts) O.K., O.K., everyone wake up, now!  (They   

              wake up) You guys sing better when you snore!...  As I was saying,

                after Noah built his ark, God told him to get into it with the animals.

                Many days later, the ark rested on…  (He drops some of his notes and

                Picks them back up) Mt. Sinai, if I ah…, remember right, anyway,

                The a… the ark was discovered by Moses, I think, and he went to put

                the Ten Commandments into it.  (Members start coughing and

                Sneezing to the tune of “Amazing Grace”) O.K., maybe we should

                take another break and get some water or something, it appears that I  

                need to get my sermon together!

VERSE     II Timothy 2:15, “Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a

                worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word

                of truth.” (NKJV)

Dea Beac   (Looking at Deacon Lincoln as they all exit) At least we got him to

                stop making a fool of himself!

Rev Ron    (From off stage) I heard that!

                (Rocky and Rusty enter)

Rocky        That little Devil, he got away from us!

Rusty         He should still be around here somewhere, maybe we can catch him

                 later!

Rocky        Rusty, what kind of church is this anyway?

Rusty         I heard them say it was a Babblist church!

Rocky        Do you mean “Baptist Church?”

Rusty         Nah, with all the babblin’ that they’ve been doin’, it has to be a

                 Babblist Church!

Rocky        That’s a first!

Rusty         No, actually, the First Babblist Church is just a few blocks from here!

                 (Rocky laughs so hard that he falls)  Oh, oh, there goes Rocky! 

                 (Looks down behind stage)  Eeewww… I better take care of Rocky!  

                 (Rusty exits)

                 (All church members enter)

Dea Linc    (Rev Ron is sleeping and Deacon Lincoln wakes him up)  Rev Ron,

                 …Rev Ron,…Wake up!  Wake up!

Rev Ron     What?  What? Oh!  You wouldn’t believe the nightmare I just had!  I

                 dreamed that Deacon Beacon pretended that he died, you got shocked,

                 and everyone started snoring to “Jesus Loves Me” and…

Mrs Linc   And we saw the devil in our church!

Rev Ron    (Startled) How did you know that?

Mrs Beac   You were only asleep for a minute!

Rev Ron    (Nervously) You mean that it all really did happen?

Dea Beac   And your sermon stunk!

Rev Ron    Well, with everything that happened, maybe I’ll go to the mission

                field.  I think I’d rather take my chances with cannibals, than with

                you guys!

Voices       (Sing from “Hallelujah Chorus”) “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, and He

                Shall Reign forever and ever…”

Rev Ron    (Looking up to the sky) O.K., O.K., I can take a hint!  Where did I

                go wrong?

Voice         You forgot to pray! (Rev Ron looks startled)

VERSE      Psalms 66:18, “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not

                hear.” (NKJV)

Rev Ron     (In regret) Oh, Boy!  Lord, please forgive me!  (Looking at his

                 members)  Look, if I’m such a bad preacher, may lightning strike

                 me!  (A bolt of lightning strikes him, he goes down and the

                 members start laughing)

Dea Beac    Serves you right, Rev Ron!  And if we’re such bad members, may

                 lightning strike us!  (Others look at him in shock and begin to

                 run off stage when lightning strikes them)

Rev Ron     (Rises) Ha!  Ha!  This is one time I’m glad you guys stole my

                 thunder!  Oh,… ouch!

Cannibal    (Enters) Hey, Rev!  I hear you want to become our missionary!  We

                 want you for our…I mean, to come to our dinner!  We even have a

                 big “hot tub”  waiting for you!  (Cannibal escorts him off stage)

                 (Rusty and Rocky enter)

Rusty         Rocky, it looks like they got baptized with lightning!... You know I

                  was just thinkin’, if Reverend Ron’s church is 100 years old, it must

                 be as old as the dinosaurs!

Rocky        I think that the dinosaurs died off way before then!  Hey, Rusty!  Did

                 you know that some of the dinosaurs are mentioned in the Bible?

Rusty         Oh, yeah?  Which ones?

Rocky        A couple of them’re the Behemoth and the Leviathan.  And what we

                 call dinosaurs, the Bible calls ‘em dragons.  Do you know what they

                 call spotted dinosaurs?

Rusty         I don’t know, what are spotted dinosaurs called?

Rocky        An I-think-he-saurus!  (Rusty falls over laughing and Rusty looks

                 at audience)  Well, I think he just laughed his guts out.  We’ll be

                 right back after we fix up Rusty.  In the mean time we’ll have

                 Crystal sing “Nothing Can Compare to Eternity .”  (Rocky exits and

                 Crystal enters, singing the song “Nothing Can Compare to

                 Eternity” then Exits) (Church members enter)

Mrs Beac    Well, I think that Reverend Ron took off to be a missionary, so I

                 guess that leaves you, (Points to Deacon Beacon) the eldest deacon,

                 to be the preacher, now!  (Deacon Beacon looks startled then runs

                 offstage screaming)

Dea Linc     So, I guess that leaves just the three of us!  (Both ladies look at him) 

                 Now, don’t get any ideas about me!  I better check on Deacon Beacon,

                 Bye!  (Deacon Lincoln quickly exits)

Mrs Beac    Well, it looks like we just had a church split!  Do you think that one

                  of us could be the preacher, or  maybe we could join the children’s

                  church with Rocky and Rusty?

Mrs Linc     Nah!  Let’s go check on our husbands!  (Both exit)

                  (Rusty and Rocky enter)

Rocky          Wow, I never saw a church split like that before!  Hey, Rusty, I’ve

                   got one more dinosaur joke!  What do they call dinosaurs that clean

                   themselves and use deodorant?

Rusty          A spot-less dinosaur?

Rocky          (Laughing) No, they call them “ex-stink!”  (Rusty falls backward

                   while laughing and exits)  Here we go again!  (Rocky starts to

                    laugh and exits while falling backwards)

                    (Crystal enters)

                    (The Devil reappears and Crystal “backhands” him sending him

                    back down the elevator)  (Use slide whistle for descending)

Rev Ron       (Runs on stage followed by Cannibal)  Oh, no, you’re not!  You’re

                    not going to eat me!

Crystal         (Backhands Cannibal knocking him down the elevator) (Use

                    whistle for descending)   Well, that finally took care of him!  I

                    will now sing my song, (Use whatever song you like here)

                    (Crystal sings the song.)  Remember to always pray before you 

                    start anything, because there’s no telling what could happen if you

                    don’t!  Good bye, everyone!  See ya later!  (Crystal exits)

 

                                       THE END

                  

 

                

 

 

                  

            

               

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